he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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