Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
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I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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