I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
