Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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