my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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