Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
