I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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