Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
