Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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