how can u be prego again
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
