you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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