I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
