God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
