Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
