Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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