Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
