i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
