I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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