true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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