I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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