I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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