she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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