the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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