It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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