We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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