I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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