You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
