Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
