WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
