remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize