Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
