I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
