I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
