apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
