Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
