he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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