remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
