He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
