My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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