On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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