Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
