Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
