I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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