Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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