I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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