Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have fence marks all over my body
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
