I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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