Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
