I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
