Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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