just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
